Our Kate is a fighter…and when I say “fighter”, I mean literally.  She kicks, she screams, she pinches, she bites, she hits, she scratches…she tries to hurt us…she even tries to hurt herself.  Why?  Probably because this little 2 year old is hurting and afraid and frustrated inside and does not know how to deal with it or communicate it.  Though we love her, we hold her, we rock her, we feed her, we give her everything we know how to give, she still fights us…she still resists us…she still gets angry and afraid when she is not in control.

There is a song that plays on the radio that captured my heart right before we completed this adoption.  “And I’ll be by your side whenever you fall, in the dead of night or whenever you call, Child, please don’t fight these Hands that are holding you. My Hands are holding you”  It spoke to me so deeply because I fight.  I kick, I scream, I bite, I fear and still He gathers me close and whispers that it is okay.  He reassures me that if I would just stop fighting Him and trust that I would save so much energy.  He tells me that I am safe and I am free to live as if I am.

Kate and I are so very much the same.  I am learning more and more each day that often I live as an orphan, instead of an adopted daughter of a King.  I often revert to old habits that I learned to keep myself feeling safe and protected.  I want to be in control all the time.  I want to be in charge of me.  I don’t want to give that power to anyone else…even God.  And yet I am missing so much in living this way.  I am missing the peace and joy of resting in quiet confidence in my Father.  Just as Kate is expending energy protecting herself from the ones who love her the most, I often put up walls of protection that do nothing but harm me.

It may take lots of time for Kate to learn that she is safe with us…that we only want what’s best for her…that we love her beyond comprehension, but our hope and prayer is that she will progress daily in this knowledge.  Just as Paul prayed for us that we would grow to know the height, depth, and width of the love that God has for us.  That daily we would come to think a little less like orphans and a little more like beloved children.  That someday soon we would stop fighting the Hands that are holding us.

For Our Kate (By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North)
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don’t turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I’m not enough?
To where will you go child,
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

I’ll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don’t fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands, at my side
They swallowed the grave, on that night
When I drank the world’s sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life

I’ll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don’t fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don’t fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

And I, I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I’ll love you
I’ll never let you go

I’ll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don’t fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don’t fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you