I woke up this morning completely burnt out and exhausted. Zombies have better mornings, I’m afraid (Hey! Maybe I won’t need a costume tonight :). The past week and a half has been grueling and chaotic. Packing for a move is a never ending task that gets in the way of already busy days. My laundry is piled to the ceiling ready to be put away…and until then, in the way. I am teaching two different grades of school to boys who feel like school is “in the way” of their complete happiness. My two year old daughter’s frequent wake up calls are getting in the way of a much needed full night’s sleep. I still have job responsibilities in the midst of all of this that get in the way of any extra down time I might be able to squeeze out. There is just much “in the way” these days.
Thing is, I know that all of this will pass. I know that chaos will not reign forever and that even now it is ultimately for our blessing. I know that I have soooo much to be grateful for. I know that I will miss these days…well, maybe not these exact days…but days of busy motherhood, when they are gone. Still, I am tired. I spend my days giving in one way or another. Mom’s are built to be givers. We love it. Everyone expects it. It’s what we do… but even the best of us run out. We are not a bottomless well of generosity. We must be drawing on something or someone.
I, erroneously, like to draw from my husband. He is such a strong personality. He rarely wavers. I like to feel that strength, to be in the vicinity of it. I love it when he comes home and takes over and protects me from giving beyond what I am able. So when he is also strained beyond his means, I am often “put out”. How can he abandon me when I need him most? How can he “escape” off to work when I am so obviously floundering to get through another day? How can he use all of his energies on everyone else and then come home expecting me to give some more? See how selfish I become when he is my source. My expectations become impossible and my well stay completely dry. My best friend suffers my undeserved and often hidden bitterness, and death begins to reign in our household, not life. When this happens, ugliness comes out of my soul that I am ashamed is in there. I lash out, forgetting that my predicament is my own fault. (I hope you can read between the lines and find the sincere apology in this, my love. So sorry.)
It is so easy for us to forget that we don’t have to live like this. We have a source that never runs dry. He stands by waiting for us to remember… to turn and look full into His face. When we do, everything around us grows strangely dim. It no longer matters that I have another “packed to the brim” day to get through or that I will be needed every moment of it. I remember that I have a cross to lay those burdens at. I remember that I have a Lover who will listen intently as I pour out all of my complaints. I remember that I have a Well that will pour into me as I pour into others. It is not automatic, dear sisters, we must turn to receive. We must lay down our victim mentalities and our desire to hang onto our day as we see it. We must allow God to speak. We must lay down our pride and our noise and our “pet escapes” and our schedules. We must turn to the only One who can fill us.
This morning I turned. I am desperate for Him on my best days, so I have learned on my worst ones to quickly get over myself and cry out. He looked at me lovingly, held my face in His Hands, and said, “Go take a shower and shave your legs.” I promise He did. And I obeyed and after I obeyed, I felt a little more ability to give welling up inside of me. I am running behind “schedule” (we use that word very lightly around here), but I took the time to write this morning, because I am continually amazed at the smallest benefits of serving such a Great God. If you don’t have anything left to give, turn, listen, and obey. He knows exactly what you need today and only He can give it.