In the interest of being real today, I hope I can get a witness or two about what I have decided to be quite vulnerable about. A little voice follows me most everywhere that I go. No, I am not seeing dead people or anything strange like that, but I am an accused woman. When I walk into a room filled with other women or other people in general, it whispers “You aren’t dressed right.” “You are too loud.” “Your jokes are really stupid.” “Everyone sees right through you to the sham that you are.”
How I long to quiet this voice! For a long time, I thought if I just tweaked my wardrobe, sat quietly in my chair so as not to draw attention, made everybody laugh, or hid all my weaknesses that I would feel better about my self and be better liked. As my relationship deepened with the Lord and I realized how shallow those things were, I thought that maybe I could just tune out or ignore the whispers. Finally, I know the answer. It is never effortless and it doesn’t mean an end to the constant murmuring in my head, but it give me confidence even when everything within me is saying “be unsure of yourself”.
Do you hear these whispers? Does the accuser sit on your shoulder demeaning and criticizing most of what you say and do? Are you continually working to look put together, to have a more interesting career, to be more charming? Sometimes do you miss the whole point of a gathering because you are overwhelmed with the whispers of what you are not, what you don’t have, what you can’t do? Please tell me I am not the only one. I believe the accuser follows every one of us women around looking for an opening…for a flaw…for a weakness…for a day of doubt. Why he does this is a whole different blog, but he does.
You know what shuts him up. I finally figured it out and although it is not always easy to remember when I am caught up in worrying about my image or my reputation or my insufficiency, it works. “It is NOT about me.” I told you it wasn’t easy. We long for it to be about us. We so want it to be about us that sometimes we would rather chase the wind than admit it isn’t. You and I, we were created for a purpose. When we say “yes” to Jesus and “yes” to His plan for our lives, we cannot expect to live any longer as if we are the center of the universe. Our very decision to join the Kingdom releases us from the hardship of taking care of ourselves.
Jesus is very committed to me. I see it time and time again. When I am out of line, He disciplines. When I walk out from under His wings, He guides me right back to safety. When I am not well liked or well received by someone, He provides a place of acceptance and belonging. He is much more committed to me, than I ever am to Him. So those whispers, they are just a bunch of hot air.
This morning, the accuser sat on my shoulder…he has done it a lot lately in my new environment as I am meeting new people and looking for my place in this new family. He whispered that I was ugly, that I was too forward, that everyone was perfectly happy without my input or friendship. He kept whispering and I almost ran to hide in my shell…but then I remembered. “It’s NOT about me! Jesus, why do you have me here and what do you want me to do? You evidently have a purpose in all of this. Let me follow Your Will, even if it makes me look like a fool.” And you know what I heard after that? Crickets. 🙂