He has to leave again. Every week it gets a little bit harder. My early week is spent trying to get used to doing this on my own again. Usually by mid-week, I am getting a little more comfortable with being that single working home-schooling mom to 5 kids. Friday he comes home and we are once again fumbling around to try to find a “groove”. By Sunday, I have forgotten that he is not here during the week… and then comes the dreaded Sunday night. He packs his things. He kisses the kids. He tells me that he will call me tomorrow and he is gone again.
I try to hate everything in these moments. I try to hate our out of town business. I try to hate that we moved. I try to hate that we never thought of how desperately hard this would be when we chose to follow Christ…but I find myself back at this…He called, and we answered. We have been blessed beyond measure in so many ways, and though everything within me wants to hate it…nothing within me wants to change anything about it. I don’t want Ascend to fail. I don’t want to live back in Loganville. I don’t want to ever give up the Word that is sown in us here and the friendships that daily support us. I don’t want to have less than 5 kids. I don’t want to go back to life before I was stepping out onto the unknown.
So tonight, I sit here…struggling so desperately…letting the tears fall…attempting to figure out an answer to it all and I realize that I am standing on faith…nothing but faith in the One who loved me and gave Himself for me. It takes faith to believe that I can sleep alone every night. It takes faith to believe that tomorrow when I wake up the Lord has already gone before me and will give me the strength I need to accomplish what He puts in my path. It takes faith to believe that I can fulfill the needs of 5 members of the future generation on my own. It takes faith to believe that we are right in the center of His Will and even when things are excruciating, He is with us. It takes faith to believe that He will continue to be as faithful as He always has been.
This is where I’m standing… on the invisible bridge that spans the gap between ordinary life and the reward of Christ. You can’t see the bridge…you can only look down and see how far you might fall if it’s not there. Each step you take requires eyes focused on Jesus and a belief that the bridge will still be there when the weight of your body comes down on it. This is the life of faith.
I fail daily at keeping my eyes on the prize. Many times I give into the temptation to look down. It freaks me out a little bit and I am often enticed to turn back. By the grace of God, I look back up and I see Jesus and I realize that NOTHING in that ordinary life compares to Him. I wish I could say that I take the next step forward because I am so full of faith or because I have learned to rely on the bridge or because I am brave, but many, many times, I take that step because I would rather fall into the ravine than to walk away from the life I have known following my Savior.
So tonight I am lifting up my leg to take another step. On Friday, I will look back and once again, see that I was worried for nothing. The invisible bridge of faith is still as sturdy as it ever was. Oh how I yearn to see every Christian walking it with me. I don’t know what He is calling you to…but if it doesn’t require a walk on this bridge, it’s not His voice. Look up and take that step. You won’t fall. It’s faith you’re standing on.