Do you ever read a particular Bible story and just think “How could they be so dumb?” It just seems like certain stories jump out at me…”after all God had already done for them, why in the world?”
That is until #reallife.
When I think back over my life…and I have been doing a lot of that lately, I see the Lord’s faithfulness throughout. I see His Hand when I was growing up and our family struggled to make ends meet. I see His Hand through my parents divorce and my mom’s struggle to finish raising us by herself. I see His Hand through my mom’s mental breakdown and struggle with mental illness. I see His Hand through my young years of courtship and struggle with marriage when I had NO idea what I was doing (not that I do much more now). I see His Hand through 4 pregnancies (2 that ended very traumatically) and 3 adoptions. The Lord literally has done so much for me that I cannot tell it all.
So why in the ever loving world, do I still not trust Him? Why do I feel anxiety well up and overtake me at every hard turn of circumstances that maybe this is the time He won’t come through? Why do I still try to control every aspect of the world around me as if my life depended on it? Why is it still so hard?
Because I am Eve.
That same woman who had seen her husband walking with God every. day. That same woman who had heard His voice and was looking at His face. That same woman who benefited from His unending goodness and yet still believed a talking snake.
I hear the question every day, don’t you? “Did God really say…”
Did God really say that He would come through for you? Maybe He didn’t know you would be so hard headed.
Did God really say that it would work together for good? Maybe He didn’t take into account how big of a mess you are really in.
Did God really say that He would sustain you? Maybe He didn’t realize how bad this would be.
Did God really say that you belong to Him? Maybe He overlooked this or that person coming against you.
“Did God really say…” All. Day. Long.
And I, like the Eve that I judge so harshly, listen to the stupid serpent. I try to control and manipulate and push and pull and work it out here and work it out there. I try to protect myself because I am so scared He won’t protect me. I try to make a way where there seems to be no way, because I am so scared He will leave me here. I try to do it my way, because His is taking too long or it’s too painful.
And then I try to explain it all away as normal, human behavior.
And maybe it is, but it is also something else, friends…
It is sin.
Distrust is the same sin that Eve committed that first time in the garden.
And then she made it worse…she took it to her husband and said “Here. I have fixed everything. Let’s be in control of our own lives and our own destinies.”
She didn’t just want control of her life. She wanted control of his too.
And don’t we see that in our marriages. We, women, we are the fixers. We keep everything under control. Sometimes we even “mother” our men because we want to make sure everything turns out okay. We worry and we fret. We work and we plan. We are Eve continually listening to that serpent ask “Did God really say…? cause you better have a backup plan.”
It is sin. Just like lying, cheating, stealing, and murdering. We are harboring sin in our hearts when we refuse to trust.
But we have all the excuses. “My dad left me…” “I was done wrong by an ex.” “I didn’t have a great childhood.” “I was born this color.” “But my husband…” “But my kids…” We are great at convincing ourselves that we fall outside the expectations of trust in God.
But it remains sin.
So this morning, I was driving down the road with this anxious knot in my stomach that I am afraid to get rid of…because lately every time that I start to rest in Him, something else comes up and punches me in the face. But He whispered so gently to me…
“It’s sin, Candace.”
Oh Jesus, I repent. I am so sorry that after every dog gone amazing thing that You have done to carry me to this place, I still hold onto my distrust like a shield. Pry this lack of faith out of my hands and replace it with Your shield of faith. The unknown is never unknown to You. You have the plan. Help me to refuse to give into the temptation to formulate my own plans and plow my own path that only ever leads right off the cliff. I want to look less and less like Eve and more and more like Jesus.
“Whatever is not from faith is sin.” Rom. 14:23
“But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ.” 2 Corin 11:3
*You can read the account of Eve and the serpent in Genesis 3.